Anonymous Letters

Recent submissions

Academia is not a Safe Space for (Childhood) Sexual Abuse 'Survivors'

As a survivor(*) of childhood abuse (mental, physical and sexual) I found solace in my school work, especially my physics lessons and a love of astrophysics developed. The dream of being an astrophysicist working in academia kept me going through my darkest of times. Fast forward some years and now I am doing a PhD, I'm making serious progress towards my dream, yet now I'm here I don't think I can stay in this environment, and that breaks my heart to say. Known sexual abusers/harassers are still on author lists with their victims, still walking the halls in tenured positions, still teaching/supervising. These predators are protected by the institutions supposed to be protecting their victims. This is a known fact, yet names are passed down through whisper networks, everything is hush hush - if you're not in the know you're at risk. For everyone this is terrifying, but for those who have experienced sexual abuse it is a thought that

Leaving or left academia; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence; Mental illness; Self-harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide; Child abuse;

Scientific power : 0 Humanity

When I was young I had a lot of dreams about a scientific career but then when I started working with X, the dreams became a nightmare. I discovered how frustrated people can be. When I was a child I thought the job of astronomers was amazing, brilliant, full of happiness and good positive things. Unfortunately then I discovered that some astronomers could be extremely nasty people. X has only one goal in "its" life: conquer the world because X is the best and others are only rubbish. During this period, X treated me in the worst way someone had ever treated me in my life.

I survived only because before X, I had the opportunity to know wonderful astronomers I admire a lot! I am lucky because I have a lot of astronomer friends who are also super brilliant scientists and who allow me to think that there is something good in Astronomy! My astronomer friends (post-doc, full-professor, researchers, prize winners, and so on) always told me that the problem is X, not me but you know you need to have a very strong personality to survive.

Probably if I had started my career with X, without any previous good experience I would not have survived. X does not have any idea of how a human being should behave. X does not do science, X does politics. X treats people as drones. Also, very serious family problems are never considered. There is no humanity.

The scientific group of X is extremely brilliant in astronomy but the real problem is X. If X were not the leader, it would be the best scientific group ever! There is no freedom, no collaboration, no possibility to grow from a scientific point of view. Any idea is generally truncated at the beginning because the only goal of the group is productivity and the zero loss of money! Researchers and mainly young students are always oppressed. Good and positive words are rare. Also, private chats are generally seen as a sort of mutiny and people need to do things secretly. The hours we have to work should be regulated by university rules but this is not the case. We receive emails 24 hours a day, also during weekends, at late times, and of course during holidays.

We do not have any chance to improve our life because nobody is watching, I mean nobody inside the university can control this and we are left alone in this nightmare. X always abuses and bullies people.

Many years ago I was really happy to do science, now it's a nightmare, there is no happiness in my job and all the researchers of the group think exactly the same. You may think why do you remain there? Why do you not do anything? because you need a recommendation letter and X has a lot of power!

90% of the researchers in the group started going to therapy (psychological help) after they joined the group and YY people have already changed their job (no more connected with astronomy). I hope X will one day be checked by someone who can make a difference because I know X will never change. A bad person cannot become a good person. I would like my story to be read by astronomers, full-professors, teachers, and so on, not only by young PhD students who need hope and positivity. I hope you could find people as I did in my early career (very happy) period!

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Leaving or left academia; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Mental illness;

Leaving academia while people keep telling you seem pretty successful

Despite a successful PhD course, a couple of fellowships that brought me to two different countries in 4 years, and a fairly good amount of recognition for my work, I am afraid I will face the decision of leaving Academia. I cannot handle the idea of relocating again to a new place, hence randomly sending applications for tenure track positions around the world is just not an option for me anymore. I kept applying for grants which would allow me to negotiate a position exactly where I want, but the timelines for getting the results are always in counter-phase with the life decisions that my partner and I need to make. We have already handled a long-distance relationship and we don’t want this anymore. We really need to stop somewhere and start

Lack of Support; Burnout and stress; Leaving or left academia; Mental illness; Career insecurity;

Mobbing, Bullying, And Abuse Of Power

I have now had a career of several years in astronomy, I am recognized worldwide, I have a permanent position, I have a few fantastic postdocs working in my group, and I cannot say I am not successful in my profession. Still, I experience high levels of anxiety related to not doing enough, impostor syndrome, and the like. I do regularly see a therapist who is helping me to navigate through life, to change perspective and point of view. Part of my unhappiness is related to clear weaknesses in my own personality structure (insecurity, tendency to mild depression), but part of it is due to the fact that the astrophysical community, like many human consortia, is an unregulated jungle, where pressure to succeed and unhealthy/unloyal competition is imposed on all members. And where monsters often have a free hand in damaging the lives and careers of others.

Three facts impacted my career and life the most. The first: my PhD professor was a power-hungry person, his extremely productive and successful group was an extension of his personality, his female students were all his lovers, with toxic relationships profiting from professional and personal weakness of the victims. His male students and postdocs were favoured, but still kept with an iron hand on track, unable to take independent research paths. I left the group just to be able to survive and had to go to therapy. Unfortunately because I also had cancer, which made me less productive for a while, I slowly went off the radar and that allowed me to escape more easily.

The second: several of my colleagues bullied me a lot and excluded me from everything, from funds, collaborations, telescope time, committees, conferences, coffee breaks, and so on. Not all of them of course (and fortunately). Part of this was because I had no boss: having left a very successful group to go independent seriously undermined my personal and professional credibility, and I had basically no politically strong protector. I was recognized internationally, but had no career progression and no national recognition. I had to enter a huge collaboration to survive and be able to have funds, abandoning most of my ideas of independent research and working on topics that I did not like as much. That collaboration propelled my career, but I was somewhat bullied there as well: three of my original ideas, that I proposed first, were carried out by others and I was completely excluded from the work in two of them. I am a slow learner of human things, so only now, after years, I learned that my science needs to be done out of that pool of sharks, where I am clearly not able to fit, and in small groups of people I trust. Outside of that small group, a tremendous amount of care, planning, self-control, and strategy has to be implemented all the time, with considerable stress.

The third: I then moved to another institute because the situation was becoming unsustainable. I was initially welcomed into the group by a colleague that I knew from before, a woman, thus a welcomed change from a list of male dysfunctional bosses. But soon I realized that she was bullying and humiliating the students and postdocs, and she was using gossip and fake news in the institute as a weapon to politically maneuver, to destroy the reputation of others, and she was systematically lying about opportunities and retaining information to hamper competitors. When I tried to show some independence and the need for space for my own research and recognition, she started misbehaving with me as well. Again, I left the group, and she became in the meantime management. She is using the institute/department resources to favour her group against others, she is constantly lying and bullying and excluding competing groups from funding opportunities, positions, occasions to speak in the media, committee and congress invitations, course teaching, and the like. Luckily, there are several people who suffered from this behavior and we are now helping each other with information exchanges, collaboration, mutual support, and we are managing to counteract these malpractices of exclusion and bullying. In fact, we have been extremely successful in rebalancing the chances and new collaborations are starting and thriving in the institute as well.

I only wish I was stronger and I wish I was able to publicly and openly denounce some of these people, not only to the relevant committees, but in some cases to the police! But now years have passed and it is too late.

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Classism; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence;

Wind of Change

I thought I had a great relationship with my PhD advisor. He gave me some fantastic data sets and let me explore them without much guidance but I liked that independent style. He must have written me a great letter of recommendation since I got a good postdoctoral fellowship right after graduating. I was in good shape.

Two years later I started applying for the next job after my first postdoc. My PhD advisor promised to send recommendation letters for me, but most of my applications ended up being rejected as "incomplete" because he did not do it in time. Out of some incredible stroke of luck I did end up getting a job anyways. My PI for that position later told me to "never ask for a letter from this person again", without disclosing any more details of course. Apparently, they did receive his reference letter in the end (way too late to be used for the evaluation, thank God), and, well, I don't know what it said, but it can't have been any good.

I felt hurt, confused, and lost. I did not know what happened. Why this sudden shift? Why did he withdraw his support without notice? I literally felt like an academic orphan. A PhD that had been abandoned by their "alma pater" of sorts. And sure, by now I was building a network of other scientists who could vouch for me. But I was terrified that academia would "punish" me for not having maintained good relations with my advisor, and that my applications would seem weaker without his support. Because I guess that's one of the subliminal messages we send to students in this field: it really matters who your advisor is, and if you don't have their support, you're probably in trouble, especially if they are a renowned authority in your field. And it matters less if this message is true or not, what matters is that we believe it -- I believed it, and I was scared what this would mean for my career.

Well eventually I got my "explanation". It turns out shortly after I finished my PhD and moved on, my advisor started an intimate relationship with one of the members of our group. Now, I won't judge you for what goes on in your bedroom, as long as it stays there -- which clearly it did not. It seems my (older, male) advisor got so head over heels with this (younger, female) postdoc that he decided if she can't get a permanent position then none of the rest of us deserve one, either. His research group completely disintegrated. I was so lucky I graduated and left that institute when I did. Most of my friends/colleagues from the time of my PhD were not so lucky. Nearly all of them were forced to leave academia, because of his disparaging letters and lack of support. This "reference letter" incident is many years old by now. I saw my advisor at a handful of conferences in the meantime. I tried twice to go up to him and say hello, maybe try to reconnect, water under the bridge, etc. He pretended I was not there. I repeat. I said "hi, [insert name], how are you? '' and he turned on his heels and walked off as if I were a ghost. I am chairing a committee in a few months that his "protégé" will also be a member of. I don't know how I will be able to stay professional about it. After all these years this whole deal still makes me unreasonably angry.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Leaving or left academia; Sexism and misogyny; Scientific misconduct;

Family Life And Academia?

Like many, I waited to have a permanent position to start a family. I have a toddler and work full time at a University. Becoming a mum and keeping my head above the surface in academia in times of covid has been EXTRAORDINARILY hard, even if I have full support of my partner, who shares parenting with me 50-50. With the lockdowns - which have been very tough where I live - we have no daycare or help of any sort. At my workplace I am expected to perform as if conditions were normal. I have to teach, I have to be there for my students and postdocs, I have to continue to do research, contribute to collaborations, be in committees, etc etc. I have had several nervous breakdowns and a long running

Lack of support; Pregnancy or Childbirth; Family life;

Not All Astronomers Come From The Rich World

Being from an underdeveloped and very unstable country, and working with people mostly in Europe, I have always felt most academics in the western world take the privileges that they have for granted and make little effort to be inclusive. To give one example: Cruises and safari conferences with very high registration fees are not only environmentally damaging but also extremely exclusive. I had to work during my entire PhD to be able to afford it, and I need a visa to go to almost any country in the world. These kinds of conferences have never been an option. One good thing about the pandemic is that it’s made academia more accessible for some people. I hope we learn with these tough times that the democratization of sciences is not only good for the poorest but also good for science.

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Classism; Xenophobia;

Feeling excluded with less possibilities

I am finishing my PhD, and I found myself with a supervisor that always prefers his other male PhD students. He gives them more visibility in the media, invitations to big projects and collaborations, more co-authors papers, and more invitations to share time together and make small talk. In the beginning, I was not mad about that. I don't like football or Marvel movies, so I didn't much like to talk with that group. But now, it affects my scientific career because I am looking for postdocs in our field, and we have similar experience but they have important contacts and a good CV. Is it my fault because I didn't want to chat about the European Cup? Or because I am the only non-male in the research group?

Lack of support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Sexism and misogyny;

Is It Me?

I will mention two stories about inappropriate sexual relations with astronomers and how they influence me. 1) When I was a high school student I had the opportunity to do work experience at an observatory. It was wonderful and really solidified the idea that astronomy was something I wanted to pursue as a career! One of the astronomers (a professor) who was there observing took an interest in me and we had an affair. At the time I thought “Wow, why would someone so accomplished give attention to me!?”. Looking back I see how f***ed up that was - he knew how young I was (17). He is a big name, and I bet he has had other predatory relationships. I always check the participants list before signing up to a conference -- I dread the day I might run into him again. 2) During my PhD, I started working with another student on a project. He did all of the analyses. I did however, contribute to the data collection and wrote up my parts for the

Sexual Harassment, sexual violence;

Toxic Academia

Sure the pandemic was horrible, the home-office was inefficient but I did not miss interacting with those horrible people who one way or another ruined my mental health over the past few years. Those more senior academics who steal ideas, ignore my contributions, and their general discouraging behavior. Now seeing some of them, even online, brings all the anxiety, anger, headaches, and panic attacks right back. Not looking forward to the post-covid academia... I was hoping to continue my path in academia despite all, because of all the love I have for science, but just now seeing one of them give a talk in the EAS made me certain to look for a path outside this toxic environment. Can’t stop my tears while typing this…

Lack of support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Leaving or left academia; Mental Health;

The Myth Of The Lone Male Genius

I grew up idolising lone genius scientists, like Einstein and Newton. I always imagined that if I were to make a big contribution to science this is how I would have to be. So when I started my career in academia I often felt like an imposter because I didn't have all the answers right away. How would I ever be a great scientist if my thesis wasn't a significant work? How would I achieve big things if I wasn't known to be an independent, exceptional thinker?

After my PhD, I worked in a few companies before pursuing academia further. It was there that I realised quite how incompetent the real world can be. There were so many incompetent people running the shop but I also learnt something very valuable, teamwork. Whilst we had many incompetent managers, the everyday workers were an incredible team. Some had PhDs, some were on minimum wage, together we achieved astounding things, saving the company from various crises. It was in this environment I learnt how to solve problems as a team. Alone I might not have the solution, but in a discussion with someone else we would solve project critical problems, unable to say exactly which person's idea it was that fixed the problem.

Next I went back to academia and joined a big international team. It wasn't quite as collaborative as in my industry experience but together we did achieve significant results in astronomy. This was also the first time in my life I had a work/life balance. Working together and supporting each other was not only a great human experience but made our science more productive. It was in this setting that I discovered a big new result. No one else had seen the solution and there it was in front of me. The team supported me with this idea and it made me feel like I was starting to be a 'proper' scientist. Then I started doing more reading on 'Lone Geniuses of Science'. I learnt about how supported they were in their endeavours. For example, the evidence that supports how much Einstein's first wife was crucial in the development of the photoelectric effect. Reading this changed something in me. I had been feeling for a while that the 'Lone Genius Scientist' idea didn't have to be the only way. Suddenly, I realised that the reality was that it might just be a myth. I know that having no time for research and being overburdened with other duties holds back research. But helping students, solving problems as a team, and having a work/life balance was the only thing leading to innovation and big results in my career.

After this project I could see that a good team was the only way forward. Sadly, in every grant and job application I encountered I was told that I had to stand out with what only I could do alone. Why should I be permanent if I wasn't that lone genius? And the original science team started to fall apart. Junior people who were competing with each other stopped corroborating. It damaged the science. Mistakes were being made and things projects were taking longer and longer. The PI was a good person but I don't think they realised how many problems there were between junior members. Some members would ask for help and then take all the credit with their supervisor. Others were excluded from projects or given an unfair authorship order. If someone complained they were told that it doesn't look good to make noise.

I know that good teamwork is the key to great science. It is also a valuable skill for anyone who leaves academia. And teamwork isn't just how a PI and their students and postdocs work together. Often you need many people across institutions or groups to make those big leaps forward in understanding. My best ideas sometimes are just mine but often they are born as minds collide in scientific discussion. I know from experience that leaving and joining industry isn't a magical utopia of cooperation and respect. I also know that to stay in science means to innovate in a new way. Not in research, but in the way the everyday job is done. With a work/life balance, a safe, non-toxic environment and proper teamwork, really great scientific results can be achieved. This also has the added benefit of not being complicit in the terrible psychological cost that many suffer if they pursue an academic career. I know this won't be an easy challenge. Some of the structures and powers in place will try to stop me. But I won't make others suffer as I have. I know we can work together. I know we can make things better. I know there has never been a time in the history of astronomy academia where people have not been excluded for their gender, race, sexuality, or identity, or just because they disagreed with the head of a big observatory. But academia is all about discovering things for the first time in the history of humanity. Let's do this, together.

Gatekeeping and exclusion;

No Time To Breathe

I'm tired. For the past 18 months (pretty much since the pandemic started), I've felt like a failure in research, to myself, my collaborators and the wider community of astronomy. I am currently "early career" in that I've only been doing astronomy research for less than 5 years, but I feel like because I'm labelled a postdoc I'm running out of time to claim that I'm an truly an "early career researcher" and be allowed any time to figure out what to do with my career. I've googled the symptoms of burnout a lot over the past few months, and I tick a lot of that checklist, but I feel I have no option other than just to continue working and push through it, with no end in sight other than leaving the field completely.

A lot of career-focused talks speak about taking time to build up a good skill-set, but I feel that I don't have that luxury. I regret that I ended up at this stage of my career in a relatively short timespan and especially regret that I didn't take any time out; I find that I'm younger than many peers who have the same job title, and I feel this puts me at a disadvantage as I've had less time to build up my research foundation, and have very few publications. I've not been able to publish at all during the pandemic which only exacerbates this, but because of the burnout I'm really struggling to finish off my projects as I feel overwhelmed. In addition, I feel like I can't turn down any general opportunities I get the chance to do (which I sign up to due to a deep personal satisfaction from helping others) - unfortunately this leads to over-committing to non-research activities within astronomy, which has led to daily panic attacks for the past month and struggling to get out of bed.

On top of all this, I have also experienced the two body problem by not seeing my partner since last year. I have been in social situations with current peers of mine where they've spoken about how they could never move to another country when in a long-term relationship, and I feel like my relationship is de-legitimised because I chose to prioritise my career at this stage. There is also the additional societal backlash of doing this as a woman... I also feel like it's inevitable that I will have to leave academia by the end of my current position because I'm not amazing enough at my job for it to be worth it for them to compromise for me, especially when my partner earns far more money. I'm one of those people that's dreamt of being in astronomy since I was a child, so the prospect of this leaves me with no real hope or care about any future job/career, because it's hard to feel motivated when the one thing you wanted to do is no longer an option.

I'm lucky enough to currently be at an institution that does value taking care of yourself, but it's hard to follow that ethos on a personal level when you're aware that you'll have to move institution often within your career, and you'll be judged harshly by the community for prioritising your own health over trying to work harder and not fall so far behind.

[As a sidenote: When writing this, I went over the other letters on the website and sat here for half an hour with imposter syndrome about whether my situation was even worth sharing... but hopefully it shows that even when you're not in an extreme situation, and haven't had to deal with any 'bad people' you can still end up in not a great place, just because of the general culture.]

Burnout and stress; Leaving or left academia; Mental illness;

Mocked For My Nationality

When I started my PhD I moved abroad. The beginning of my PhD was a very difficult time for me because my partner had just been diagnosed with a serious condition that required monthly treatment. My partner at the time was also a researcher in astronomy in another foreign country that could not provide the required care and therefore we had to face a period of great anguish living apart and finding ourselves not in our home country for their care. In my new working environment it was very difficult to find human support, and making friends was impossible, except for a colleague of mine with whom I had a very strong bond and who supported me with great affection throughout the years of my PhD. As soon as I arrived I found a very cold, inhospitable and quite unpleasant environment, in particular with people who were nationals of the country. I have often found myself mocked and bullied for my home country. When I tried to point out that certain things they said were only the result of false myths and rumors and that certain problems also existed in this country and not only in mine, I was brutally mocked, or they changed the subject and stopped listening to me showing that there was no space for constructive discussion or any kind of dialogue. I still sadly remember the first (and last) time I went out with the group of PhD students and young researchers. It happened when I had just arrived. I didn't know them well and was not familiar with any of them. In response to what I thought was an innocent question "When do you typically go to the cinema in your country?", I replied "On Wednesday evening, because there are discounts on the admission ticket". Then they replied "That’s because nobody works in your country and therefore they go to the cinema on a midweek day". Many people in the group burst out laughing and I was stunned. They continued jokes in this style for years, but as they also happened outside the work environment, with people I met by chance around the city, I thought it was a characteristic of this country, with the result that I was able to make friends in recent years only with some foreigners. Even at the beginning of the pandemic, it happened to me, within the department of my university, to be told that since I was of a specific nationality I was carrying the virus.

Some other unpleasant attitudes were displayed in our shared office: colleagues sat with their feet on the table, with their shoes on, and then left without cleaning, with the result that dirt and dust remained on the tables (I don't want to comment on the fact that it was only males who felt the need to sit sprawled, maybe to maintain an attitude of supremacy or bullying or something else, and I don't want to comment on the lack of hygiene and basic education). However, since we had a shared office and the desks were not assigned to anybody in particular (so one day you might have a desk, another day another desk), the result was that these tables always remained dirty. I very often found myself having to clean my desk before working because on the table there was dirt left there from the day before.

Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Xenophobia; Sexism and misogyny; Toxic masculinity and misandry;

Really Tired And Exhausted

Shortly before finishing my last paper and discussing my doctoral thesis, I became a mother. Unfortunately, this coincided with the spread of the pandemic, and created a truly painful and stressful situation that forced me into grueling working conditions. When I pointed out the situation, the only help my university gave me was an interview with a psychologist. But I think that concrete help would have been more helpful.

My family and I lived in a one-room apartment in the university student house paying a monthly rent. Despite my pre-delivery requests, the student residence has always refused to provide us with a larger apartment (which, I know for sure, they had available, because some of my colleagues were given much larger apartments with more rooms than ours even if they were alone). Therefore, when the pandemic hit Europe and all work had to be done from home, I found myself writing my thesis in a one-room-apartment with my 6-month-old-son (and my husband looking after him). Due to the pandemic it was not possible to send the child to the daycare, and being in one room it was impossible for me to work because the baby was constantly wanting me, since I was constantly in their view.

In addition, I discovered that during my period of maternity, the student-house had changed the rules, without telling me anything, and gave me an eviction notice only a few weeks in advance. So instead of helping me, they forced me to quickly search for a new home, at the height of the writing of my thesis, at the height of the pandemic and with a small child around. The new apartment was around 2 times more expensive than the student house apartment, but since I didn't have time to look for other solutions, I could only accept to pay more. One day, the head of doctoral studies at my university sent an email saying that they had planned to give an extension to the doctoral students, if the pandemic made difficulties in carrying out the research work. I immediately contacted this person to tell him about my situation, but he replied saying that this extension was not foreseen for last year students. But having an extension of only a few months would have helped me, given the condition in which I was working.

On top of that, my husband got fired, and even if he helped me as much as possible in looking after the baby, I found myself working at nights for months. I had to use all my parental leave (and I had to work during it) to avoid ending the employment contract before completing my degree, because otherwise we would not have had enough money to live in the new expensive apartment (we couldn't move to our home country due to the pandemic and travel blocking.). I felt totally abandoned by my university. I worked at night to finish the article and the thesis and once the thesis was defended, I continued to work at night to be able to prepare the postdoc applications and the interviews. During the day, it was impossible to work because the baby was looking for me. My husband started working again, and then I had to look after the baby. The stress I experienced (and I still feel) was tremendous and I felt constantly under attack. I felt overwhelmed by being a neo-mum, plus by being at the final steps of my PhD degree, plus by all the problems that the pandemic brought.

Now I am really tired and exhausted. I'm thinking that having a family is incompatible with being an astronomer. I realized that many postdoctoral fellowships are not designed to allow families to move and travel. I think there are still tremendous gaps to allow women to do research and to give them the opportunity to have a family and children. Becoming a mother put me at a disadvantage compared to others, a disadvantage that institutions do not care to fix by providing concrete help.

For example, an extension of the research contract for a few months would have benefited my health, allowing me to finish my articles and thesis working during the day instead of forcing myself to only 1-2 hours of sleep per night.

Lack of Support; Burnout and stress; Pregnancy or Childbirth; Career insecurity;

Losing 10 Years Of Career (And Life) Because I Could Pass An Exam Only When The Professor Retired

When I was a master student, I was a victim of what is now called harassment and bullying by a professor in my university course. The attitudes held by this professor included public teasing in front of other students during lessons and at the time of the correction of the exams (the course included a preparatory written exam, to gain access the oral), and in private, during the moments in which the professor made himself available to answer students' questions. When I went to ask for information and clarifications on some topics, I never got answer back to my questions but only discussions unrelated to the topics of the course: for example, digressions on the history of a city name, or on how the flag of a particular country was born, on cat breeds, and even politics. There were hours of delays on appointment times and although he insisted on having my phone number he never bothered to notify me of the delay. There were also insinuations about the condition of a woman that tended more towards house-work than working in science. Instead of answering my questions, the professor then started questioning me on these unsolicited topics, and if he saw that I did not know how to answer, he added to the dose and continued to explain these notions that had nothing to do with the exam and the subject. The meetings therefore resulted in a total waste of time, because my physics questions were never answered, and there was a sort of psychological blackmail of the type "if you don't listen to me in my digressions I won't answer your questions and you won't pass the exam". This professor was very religious, and several times he brought up the question of faith during the lessons and the reception. I come from an atheist family, and my knowledge of religious practices is nil. During the meetings he repeatedly asked me about religious notions to which I couldn’t answer. Also, even a bigger kind of mockery: the books recommended for the course were published in French, Spanish, Japanese or German: none of them were in English, or in my country’s language. All of this happened during a time before ebooks were widespread and books had to be physically borrowed from the library. It was also difficult to do independent searches on the internet to look for other texts. The other teachers and the university staff were already aware of this situation because occasionally this professor had shown the same attitudes also towards other students. Nevertheless, no measure had ever been taken to remove this person from teaching. My reports were always answered with "Ah but he always does this" or "Insist on trying to take the exam and have meetings with him, then you will see that, sooner or later, he gets tired of you and he’ll let you pass". The experiences of other students in fact showed that sooner or later the professor got tired of torturing them and let them pass the exam. However, with me the story never ended and on the contrary it resulted in a sort of fury towards me. I remember once that he was correcting the exercises of the written exam (one of the several that I was trying to pass). In front of all the students he took my written exam and said that the exercises could also pass, but since I was the one who did them, then he would have marked them as failed.

The situation went on for several years. My father consulted a lawyer to ask if we could start a lawsuit, but the lawyer said that we did not have enough evidence and they could not be sure of winning the process, and probably the case would last years and years. The thought of having to proceed with a grueling and difficult lawsuit stopped us from the idea of pursuing legal action. In the meantime, the silent-assent of the teaching staff and the other researchers towards this person's attitude became really deafening. After several years of trying to take that exam, I once again went to a meeting, and I remember that he kept me trapped in his study talking about everything but the subject of the course for 5 hours. I came home crying that time and decided that I would never put myself to such torture again. There were rumors that he would soon retire. So I made the decision to step away from the academic path I was on. I began to study to obtain a professional license as a guide of [xxxxxxx], and I specialized in the field of scientific communication and [xxxxxxx] (sectors that were both very dear to me anyway) and I waited for this professor to retire. In the meantime, I also completed all the remaining exams. When he finally retired, a new professor took over, I took the exam and I passed it immediately. I was able to graduate after 12 years since I had started my studies.

This professor has deeply undermined my psychological health, the confidence I feel in myself and the consideration of my abilities. It took me several years to realize that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't pass the exam, but that there was actually something wrong with that man. And anyway I am still a victim of great anxiety and I think I don't have the skills to face a job and a project, and I am amazed when I get grants and I receive appreciation because I think I am not up to it. My academic career was forever compromised due to this professor, as I practically lost 10 years of career when compared to my peers. Whenever I applied for a PhD, and even now that I am applying for postdocs, this delay undermines my CV and blurs the judgments of the people who rate me. The fact that in the meantime, I still studied other things, acquired a professional license, and worked in the communication of astronomy to the public is often not evaluated and is considered as a waste of time or a clear sign of my incompetence. I know that many students have dropped out of astronomy because of this professor. I was able to resist and to direct my energies towards another area, but the fact remains that the psychological impact, the stress I had to face and the delay with which I was able to graduate, brought me great inconvenience. Speaking and comparing myself with other students and realities I have seen and continue to see that similar cases still occur in different countries of the world, and therefore the problem has not been solved despite the fact that in the meantime measures have been taken, and evaluation questionnaires of teachers and courses have been introduced. Sometimes universities and academic institutions are lazy in acting and confining these professors, other times as in my case, they have no real interest in helping a single student in need, or they are directly involved because they are friends or collaborators of these problematic professors. In the latter case, the student in difficulty finds themselves in the embarrassing situation of having to report an abuse to people who have a connection with the accused. All this leads to considerable psychological pressure, which makes people desist from denouncing the abuse. A possible solution would be to have a body independent of the university which is made available to students and which also offers a legal and psychological counseling service.

Lack of Support; Burnout and stress; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Sexism and misogyny; Gatekeeping & exclusion; Leaving/left academia;

Psychologically Abusive Advisor

I had an incredibly toxic advisor during my first two years of graduate school, and the effects of this experience impacted me more than four years later. I was belittled, bullied, gaslit, and constantly accused of things I did not do. My good-standing at the university and my career were at great risk. I had little-to-no scientific guidance, and would frequently receive emails questioning my place in the program. The department chair and other higher members of the department were supportive in the sense that they privately stressed this was horrific behaviour, and helped me to find a new advising situation. Right before I switched advisors, my ex-advisor tried to formally bring sanctions upon me, and thankfully the chair and the equivalent of our graduate board cleared my name and denied the sanctions.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Mental illness;

Learning How Low My Self-confidence Could Go

My PhD supervisor was sexist, mean and racist. He is a bully and loved to put me down to make himself feel intelligent and powerful. He told me I am not in the top 10% of students so I should go into industry and save myself the struggle. He suggested high-class prostitution as a valid option. Just before my PhD thesis defense he told me to tell them I am dyslexic and that is the reason my writing is very poor (even though three of my papers had been published in a peer-reviewed journal), I told him I did not have this, but he said to lie because my writing was that shit. This made me so nervous I tripped over my feet when going into my defense room. During meetings he would often fall asleep, I would have to leave the office embarrassed and try to set up another meeting. When I asked him questions he told me to go away and not ask him questions. During meetings he would tell me everything I had done wrong but without guidance on how to fix it, again when asked he said that was my job. He would mark my papers and when I changed things, next time he would often change it back-infuriating, and when I asked him once he ignored me. When I first started my PhD he showed me to a room, gave me a book on Astrophysics, left me the whole day, and said to read the book and come find him when I finished.

During the second year of my PhD, a close family member died and when I heard the news I went to my supervisor to tell him I had to go home (obviously upset and crying) and be with my family. He offered no condolences but just asked when I would be coming back. When travelling with him he would be racist to other people, in often a loud voice-while I tried to hide. He did not turn up at my PhD graduation, he did not even give an excuse. I felt no support or help from him, except to lower my self-confidence. He never helped me and I learnt very quickly that if I wanted this PhD I would have to do it myself and ask help from my fellow PhDs and postdocs. When I asked him about his previous PhD student he said she sold herself to finance, which meant it was hard to ever talk to him about careers. I have never told anyone about how bad he was, because if I wanted to continue my career in academia he has the power to destroy it.

My mental health suffered because of my PhD supervisor, I barely made it through. There were many times when I wanted to end everything (and not just my PhD). I suffered from severe panic attacks, once I had to go to the doctors because I thought it was a heart attack. I cracked my back teeth because of grinding my teeth due to all of the stress and still have to sleep with a mouth guard, many many years later. I am still not over this probably because I have blocked most things-so the list above is the tip of the iceberg.

When I got my postdoc he did not congratulate me and tell me well done. During my postdoc my new supervisor could see how much I suffered and sent me to therapy. My self-confidence and my mental health will take more time to heal. I never felt good enough for my PhD and doubted myself every day, this feeling still exists in me and most of these feelings about my ability (or lack of) is due to his treatment. Basically I felt stupid everyday and I wondered every day why he chose me, I did ask him and he said he got given one this year due to funding but never chose me. I felt stupid and not chosen with no support or help from my supervisor for the majority of my PhD. My PhD was one of the worst times of my life and the majority of this was because of my supervisor. If I could go back in time I would never have done this PhD. Now I just have to accept what happened and try to continue my life and build my confidence and mental health.

Lack of support; Burnout and stress; Leaving or left academia; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence; Racism and racial slurs; Hateful language directed at religious groups; Sexism and misogyny; Toxic masculinity and misandry; Mental illness; Self harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide; Death or dying

When Understanding Runs Out

I did observational astronomy research as an undergraduate, fully intending to pursue graduate school and a career in the field. However, after the first semester of working with my PI, several traumatic things happened in my personal life, including the simultaneous loss of my health insurance, which meant that my access to therapy was cut in half so that I could still afford it. My PI was at first extremely understanding, and did not push me when it came to my research. However, the following summer she decided that because I still wasn't productive enough, she would take a micromanaging approach to ensure my productivity, requiring that I send an email with what I was doing every single day.

Lack of support; Burnout and stress; Mental illness

A Rough Start

Though by many measures I am currently enjoying a successful career in astrophysics, my undergraduate experience was particularly unpleasant due to a combination of faculty indifference, a programmatic lack of perspective on workloads, and likely low-grade racism. In retrospect, it is a small miracle (read: luck and perseverance) that I have continued in this field.

Despite being considered the premier institution for studying astronomy in my country, the university I attended as an undergraduate had Departments of Physics, Astronomy, and Mathematics that were filled with professors who cared little about their students, and in no way cultivated a passion for learning or served as encouraging role models. Course after course was taught badly by faculty who sleepwalked through outdated material, putting in their hours so they could go back to their research. In addition, the overwhelming workload assigned by the professors in all physics or astronomy courses led to years of crushing isolation and stress for me. Final exams were experiments in bell-curving, containing many questions on material not covered in the course. Indeed, the program I followed seemed more intended to filter out the ""unworthy"" than to educate, let alone inspire, and it fostered unhealthy inter-student competitions as well. Moreover, though I am considered to be a straight white male, even my ethnicity was still not as white as the faculty's, which I suspect contributed to a long parade of microaggressions, humiliations, and career dissuasions I experienced over all four years. I am sure my experience was not isolated - many other students from my era experienced similar obstacles. Many bitterly left to pursue other programs (One graduate student in this university's program even committed suicide, sadly). I was one of only three astrophysics majors to graduate my year, out of a student body of 40,000+. Fortunately (for me), I was privileged enough to flee my country and attend graduate school elsewhere, which was a profoundly different (and positive) experience. Nevertheless, I still feel mental scars from that first experience three decades later, expressed as nagging self-doubts, impostor syndrome (still!), workaholism, depression, and even survivor's guilt.

The good news is that I have taken active care to provide my students with more positive, encouraging experiences going forward. I have never understood the gatekeeping attitudes of my undergraduate professors but I dread to think of the impact they had on generations of promising students over the years. I shudder to think how bad the experiences were of those with even greater gender or ethnic differences from the department faculty than me.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Leaving or left academia; Racism and racial slurs; Mental illness; Alcohol, other intoxicants; Death or dying; Classism

Mental Health When All Privileges Are Ticked

I am a straight white man from a middle class background who came from a caring family. I have suffered with depressive episodes for the past 5 years and been on strong doses of antidepressants for 3 of those. Whilst I fully support the current focus on eradicating all forms of discrimination and injustice faced by individuals belonging to historically oppressed groups, the fact that I fall into the group I do has made my experience in academia worse, - as on the grounds of expected lived experience and privilege, I have no reason to feel how I feel.

Mental illness; Toxic Masculinity; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Leaving or left academia;

When I Was 6 Years Old ...

When I was 6 years old, the world told me that I was like a boy because I liked science. When I was 10, a boy in my class told me that I wouldn't amount to anything because I was a girl. When I was 18, I felt lucky that the male PhD student, who sexually harassed the women in my undergraduate year weekly, only harassed me once because normally he didn't work with my class. When I was 25, a male professor sexually harassed me and more than 15 other students, nothing was done about it. When I was 27, my male friends in academia said I would have an easier time getting a job because I am a woman. When I was 29, I overheard a trusted colleague and collaborator say he only lost the poster competition

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence; Sexism and misogyny;

A Plea To Line Managers

We are advised that we must maintain a healthy work-life balance. We are told that we need to be available during normal working hours. We are reminded that academia gives us flexibility that is not possible in other careers. And these same people, our line managers, send emails to the research group late in the evenings and over the weekend... You may have a sign-off that includes "I work strange hours, and don't expect an immediate reply" but could the email really not have waited until 9am of the next working day? (E.g., Gmail allows you to set a time for the email to be sent.) If you are a line manager that forgets to notify others of things until the day before, then maybe *you* are the one who needs to work on their organisational skills, and not put pressure on postdocs and students who already have their hands full.

Burnout and stress;

Mental Health Issues And Academia Seem Incompatible

"My experience with academia has been shaped by mental health issues caused by the behaviour of those profiting from the current culture and intrinsic mental health issues exacerbated by a culture that seems unable to tolerate them.

One of the first things I discovered at university was whisper networks. I was warned to stay away from a tutor because he was known for making female students break down during tutorials, I was warned against a PI because not a single women had ever managed to obtain a PhD under him in more than 10 years, I was warned not to participate in the departments' football games because one of the professors was known for harassing female players, I warned others of a PI who loved making jokes about ""women and gays"" not having the ""brains for physics"" and once called me a ""broken toy"" after learning I was asexual and queer, I warned others of a PI who terrorised students over the weekend. It's hard to describe what this does to you, navigating academia and having to keep a mental tally of all the people to avoid, all the names that should trigger red flags, all the friends you worry about because the whisper network didn't reach them in time. It's daily microaggressions, individual cases of ""bad apples"" that don't seem so bad when you look at them individually but they add up. It's exhausting and it never seems to let up.

Honestly, though, I was quite lucky myself. Aside from the general sexism and the homophobia that seems to permeate academic spaces, my immediate colleagues were at least decent people, some were absolutely amazing. Yet I have seen bullying and harassment all around me, have seen people break down and quit through no fault of their own, just because the people meant to guide them decided instead to exploit and degrade them. I have seen universities advertise their zero-tolerance policies and yet not lift a finger to stop the toxic and well-documented behaviour of notorious staff members. Once I started to stop relying on whisper networks and decided to act instead I was encouraged to my face but called a ""difficult person"" behind my back. What's most frustrating though, are not the people actively acting against you, it's the people that don't even see a problem, that deny its existence. People who believe racism in science doesn't exist, sexism doesn't exist, homo- and transphobia don't exist. It's frustrating and exhausting constantly having to fight against these boundaries while others deny their very existence and your experience.

In terms of intrinsic mental health issues, there are a lot of stories there: Complete erosion of any self-worth I might have once had, a burnout as an undergraduate that left me in the hospital for weeks and with chronic issues after, an injury I couldn't take care of because it would have required several months of rest and my funding couldn't be extended so I just pushed through leaving me with another chronic issue, a trip to the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack but turns out it was just a week-long panic attack, family members I couldn't grieve for properly because deadlines couldn't be moved (one professor failed me for an exam the day after a grandparent died because I couldn't produce ""believable proof"" before the start of the exam), sick family members I couldn't take care of because back then working from home was not allowed. It took years of calling myself lazy and stupid and useless but eventually I managed to drag myself to a therapist, then another, then a doctor who finally put a name to it: Anxiety disorder and severe chronic depression though with medication I've managed to get it down to moderate chronic depression (yay...). What has shocked me most was my reaction to all of this. I spent years advocating for the de-stigmatisation of mental health issues in academia, shared my own struggles and yet now that there is a diagnosis, I haven't told a single person because I'm scared out of my mind, constantly ping-ponging between feeling ashamed and weak and confused. Nevertheless, this is what it's going to be like now and it terrifies me with regards to my academic career. For the rest of my life, I will have to take medication to be functional and even then from day to day, my brain's ability to process chemicals correctly at any given time will determine just how functional I can be. Currently, I can look at the future and realise that things won’t always be bad, I will have good days, weeks, maybe even months. However, the chronic nature of it all also means I will have bad days, weeks, maybe even months during which my biggest daily achievements will be the simple act of waking up. It is a complete mystery to me how I, or someone else with a disability or chronic illness, could possibly compete with healthy colleagues. Academia is not built for this. So far too often I spiral and I wonder am I too broken to function in academia or is academia too broken to function for me. Whatever the answer is, the outcome is likely gonna be the same."

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence; Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia; Sexism and misogyny; Mental illness; Self harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide; Death or dying; Career Insecurity;

Untitled

You really have difficulties at working well here, developing a career or even getting to know the necessary information and getting support, including technical, if you don't belong to some major group, be it a research group or a union group (for employees). There isn't much room for women either.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Sexism and misogyny;

Keeping up Appearances and the Stigma of Silence

Dear Reader,

2020 was both a bad and a good year for me personally. It was a year in which I enjoyed some of my best mental health in a long time. A year in which I was finally approaching a full recovery from an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa, after more than 12 years of cycling between suffering, partial recovery and relapse. Although the isolation involved with lockdown certainly isn’t helpful to everyone, I feel much more secure eating alone. In fact, I have always found social situations around food anxiety provoking - one aspect of conferences and meetings that I do not miss. If you think you don’t know anyone with an eating disorder, you’re likely wrong. They just haven’t told you yet. Whilst everyone’s experience is different, here are a few basic things to know:

Social events focussed on food can be incredibly anxiety provoking, as can spontaneous cake or snack sharing at work. Where possible, inform people in advance - it really helps with planning and reducing anxiety.
It doesn’t mean sufferers are vain or judging others. Often, it is a way of coping with emotional pain.
Don’t make judging comments on how much others are eating, their food choices or body size. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or an increase in disordered behaviours. Previous unhelpful comments I’ve had from colleagues include: “Is that all you’re having?”, “Everyone is fat compared to X”, “Now YOU are thin - but you do eat, don’t you?” Well, yes. People with anorexia do actually eat - otherwise, the mortality rate would be 100% instead of *only* 10%. Seeing us eat doesn’t mean we’re fully recovered. It means we’re fighting our thoughts. Full recovery usually takes years of effort.
Support employees who may need time off. On at least three occasions I refused a referral to a psychiatric hospital, because I was concerned about how taking weeks off work due to illness or without explanation would appear. (During my undergraduate I was severely ill and spent six months in a psychiatric hospital, vowing never to repeat the experience.) Thankfully, I have now improved a lot - after many appointments over the last two years with a therapist, psychiatrist and dietitian.

Additionally, I have depression. Despite many depressive episodes, this wasn’t recognised until 2019, when I was finally prescribed antidepressants which really changed my life. Honestly felt like a massive weight had been lifted, and I asked myself - is this how people usually feel?! Medication does not make me immune though, and bad depression days still happen. Nevertheless, I am high-functioning, so I will still fulfil my obligations; but on bad days, I will not be able to get much work done outside the bare minimum. Instead, I will arrive late, leave early, and spend time at home just lying down and staring into space. As yet I don’t know how well I’ll cope further down the career ladder, as the demands become more stressful in academia. Fortunately, with the help I’ve recently had, overall things have been slowly but steadily improving.

One aspect that hindered receiving health care was the short-term contracts. Waiting lists can be long, and moving location every few years due to short contracts doesn’t help with continuity of care.

Although mental health issues are common, they are not often spoken about openly. Even sharing anonymously and editing carefully, it scares me that someone might guess my identity. Look out for your colleagues, and I hope that in future we will be able to cultivate a more open and supportive environment for all in astronomy. To end, I’d like to share a poem I wrote - using the black hole in M87, recently imaged by the EHT, as a metaphor for depression. Lastly, I wish you, the reader, much success and good health, and hope that you never have to experience an eating disorder or clinical depression.

M87

It was there, long before you knew it was there, before anyone knew it was there.
The effects could be felt before anyone noticed.
Pulling, tearing, dragging you down.
So powerful, so strong, so heavy.
Other stars, sources of light, beacons of hope, come close – but go away again so fast and stay away so long.
The repercussions could be felt.
Eventually, it was established: black holes exist.
And this black hole, in M87, is a monster.
Experts agreed the black hole was there, the evidence was clear, but still you couldn’t see it.
You cannot see it alone. We cannot see it by ourselves. We need help to see it; we need to work together to see it.
A team was formed; a network of connections near and far, some with people you know, some you have never met.
But all with a common aim: to see a black hole.
To learn and understand.
And so, you work together.
Patience, hard work, perseverance, but also good timing and sheer luck play a role,
Together you work towards shining a light on the darkness.
There it was: the first image of the black hole.
Except, it wasn’t an image of the black hole; it was an image of the shadow of the black hole,
And you can only see shadows where there is light.

Mental illness; Food, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, body hatred, and fat phobia

My Unhappy Journey in Academia

For several years, I have been trying to carve myself a space in astronomy. And in most cases it sucks. I am a woman with a hearing disability from a working-class background. And in many cases I was made to feel that my disability is a nuisance. If I can't hear stuff? Yeah, that is my fault. God forbid we use microphones. Or try to minimize noise.

In many cases I came across people who basically gloated that they come from an academic background. One egregious example: "I am the son of a professor. Of course I knew that I was cut out to also become a professor" to which I replied "Aha and me? I am cut out to live with seven children in a run-down apartment, or what?" I have many similar stories where people got special treatment because they have academic backgrounds and know how the game is played. Me? Difficult, too late for any proper support. So I am left to fight for myself. But even if I accomplish something, I am not left alone. My colleagues always find a way to mistreat me.

For example, I get the constant "arrogantly talked down to” treatment. Just last week someone who is not from my field, answered my question: "why are you saying that, that is not right", by basically trying to explain the basics of my own field back to me. Like, thank you, famous astronomer, I wrote all of that in the introduction of my last 1st author paper, and this still does not address that you obviously have only understood 50% of the problem. But god forbid that you pause and think about your own misconception. Instead go ahead and imply that I don't know the fundamentals of my field in a group setting. Luckily, a male ally sprang to my help and confirmed that I was right and the famous astronomer was wrong. But I bet you that this astronomer will not remember that I, the female colleague, was right. The male colleague who tried to help me will get all the credit. Because this is how pervasive sexism is, especially in Europe. Referees have implied in two of my papers that I am incapable in what I do. To the point that they advised me that I should read textbooks. I still proved that I was right, but dear goodness, the fighting over utterly minor things.

I was also denied funding in several venues by one powerful man who then later gloated about his gatekeeping and told friends of mine how much I suck. He managed to get himself in several early career funding commitees to specifically axe his "incompetent" competition. Not only me, but also others. I am only academically alive today because mentors of mine go out of their way to divert their resources my way. I am grateful for this support, but I should not rely on the charity of others to barely stay alive in academia.

Stress: This constant derision and hostility and fighting for resources is so painful that I am happy that we have a Corona crisis. That way I don't have to face these bullies at conferences or in my own home institute.

Stalking and intimidation: In particular, one nasty fellow actually saw that I struggled and faced hostility. He pretended to help me to get me into projects. Instead, he took my software and my proposals to get himself into the projects by pretending that my work was his own. When I complained, I was warned that I should not lie and that my complaints were actual scientific misconduct. I even had emails and documentation to prove that I gave him the stuff that he then presented as his own work. Neither my boss nor the ombudsman wanted to even see the evidence, or to act upon it. The whole matter was ruled as a "misunderstanding". So this person reaps the fruits of my hard work and I am permanently barred from the projects that he is now gatekeeping from me. And he is bad mouthing me, saying that I am "just jealous". When this person found out that my complaints were not taken seriously, he escalated. In 2019, he came to my office and he physically intimidated me, and told me, only 2 cm from my face, "you should leave science, that is better for everybody". During a conference later that year in September he even played out his intimidation in front of two eyewitnesses. He came into the aula (university meeting/work-space) while I was in a discussion with two colleagues. He came to stand before me, grinned at me suggestively, and without a single word of greeting placed himself into a seat directly in front of me. This behaviour was so off, that my colleagues suggested that we move two rows further away from this person. When my colleagues and I sat down again, this person stood up again, came to me, leered at me with a huge grin and sat again directly in front of me. My colleagues were shocked but then said to me that we should now just sit there and ignore this person. Later that day, this person permanently stalked me. I actually complained to the conference organizers. But they told me that as long as he was not touching me that there was nothing that they could do.

I actually skipped the next two days of the conference after that because, to be honest, I was at the end of my mental strength. I only resurfaced after the bully had left the conference.

Did I mention that I am happy about the Corona crisis? I don't have to be afraid in the home office that this person may come in and, indeed, start to touch me. And the institute knows about the incident. But of course, they refuse to do anything. So now I try to leave this institute, one way or the other. They actually told me that I should try to record the next encounter with my smartphone. Well, thank you very much for nothing.

During a "sexism in academia seminar" I tried to raise the point that bystander intervention training would be good. I was told to my face "we don't need this, these instances are rare". And I had told this person one year earlier about the stalking of my bully at my own institute. Obviously, she has forgotten or just does not care for my well-being. But yes, she leads a seminar on sexism in academia, and on how she does not allow this behaviour.

I am so tired of these constant workshops that don't lead to any tangible improvement and are now even used to shut down and discourage women who need accountability and a safe haven. How can you pretend to actually care about sexism if you don't hold bullies, gatekeepers, and plagiarizers accountable? You can't. You are just hypocrites because talk is cheap, but action is too much bother for you.

To be honest, I don't know why I bother anymore. Why should I suffer in this environment?

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse; Sexism and misogyny; Mental illness; Classism; Ableism; Leaving or left academia;

Disgusted!

Since I was a kid I loved astronomy, the night skies, and space exploration, having been born just a few years after Sputnik. But as soon as I started on the academic path (getting my first, second, and third degree), I realized that the same kind of obnoxious people you sometimes meet at school (kids who lie, who cheat, who are bossy) are actually everywhere...even in astronomy. I thought people grow up, but they actually don't. I knew that those kinds of people were a little bit everywhere, and more so in politics, but I thought Science was for the scientific mind, not the jackass. How wrong was I? How many incompetent "professors" are everywhere? And the more bully-ish and louder they are, the higher they get in their career, and the more they will influence all decisions being made in the department. Just in the last year, a senior professor in my department managed to have two of his protegés hired among a large pool of much more competent candidates. It all comes down to politics and power.. there is no more astronomy there anymore. If that's what he is doing in the department, who knows what he is doing in his publications, or even worse, in his reviews of other people's work.

The problem is a human problem which should not be allowed to propagate like Covid-19. There should be strict rules for hiring and anyone breaking these rules should be laid-off immediately. Also hiring should be on the basis of merit and competence, not on the basis of personal interest and gain. The problem in astronomy is worsening as there is a huge pressure known as "publish or perish", which makes people publish a little bit of anything. How many times have I seen a senior researcher publish crap with a lot of bla bla bla but no solid content? But seniority obliges and again power comes before academic excellence and scientific knowledge. A pity!

To make things worse, the system has invented a way to help those selfish people believe in themselves by classifying the academic members according to the number of publications and citations. While this does bring some genuinely competent people to the top it also includes a large pool of people who I know shouldn't be there in the first place. While other people who do serious work, for some reason, don't find their names in the list of the "highest" ranked members of the scientific community.

It's a little like questioning history itself; it all depends on who writes it. I find it disgusting that it all comes down to this: human greed. People are often not behaving in an ethical manner. It need not be explicitly in the form: one kind of people against a different kind of people (religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, ...). Rather it is trait of the human species due to evolution, which is the same problem the world is facing as a whole today: the stupid selfishness of a few individuals is putting the entire planet at risk, be it Covid-19, global warming, authoritarianism, deforestation,...

History repeats itself, not only over time, but over all aspects of humanity.

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Scientific misconduct;

Academia Systematically Drives People Into Burn-out

While there are many very positive aspects of working in academia (not least the vast majority of colleagues being very nice, friendly and supportive) there are many "features" of how academic careers work that are virtually guaranteed to force many scientists into psychological problems, even up to the point of burnout. To name just a few:

(1) The imposter syndrome often leads to the false impression that only oneself is struggling, and thus doing something wrong.

(2) Immense pressure from seemingly omnipresent competition with everyone else ("publish or perish", "work and talk about it").

(3) "Changing continent" every 2-3 years in the pursuit of "the next position" prevents people from embedding themselves into a safe social environment (friends, family, etc) which makes them less resilient to stress.

(4) Frustration and hopelessness due to a lack of long-term career perspectives. It is a well known fact that there are many more PhD students than postdoc positions, and many more postdoc positions than permanent positions.

(5) Similar to the imposter syndrome, everyone is always "excited" about their latest results or some recent publication they read. While this displayed "excitement" is a method competing for attention, its permanent overuse leads to feelings of frustration, doubt or resignation if one is not "excited" all the time about one's own work or results.

(6) The constant "change of continent" every 2-3 years makes it virtually impossible to have an emancipated relationship where the partner can also follow her/his own career. It is incredibly hard for children who cannot properly take root in their schools or form long-term friendships. It is also incredibly difficult to build a pension or even get one's own house.

There are many more factors which together systematically tap into the personal resources of scientists, causing wide-spread psychological problems for many of us. While many of these factors originate from the best intentions for people and the productiveness of science, "good intentions" are the opposite of “good”. Together, these factors conspire to turn the scientific career into something that can be very damaging and harmful to the health of those who attempt it. The way academia is working today is simply not sustainable! It has turned into an (unintentionally) destructive overexploitation of scientists at all(!) career levels.

Burnout and stress; Career insecurity;

Wish The Community Would Care About The Truth, Not The Names!

It has become an acceptable trend that people who work in larger, more famous groups can just claim anything they want without being really true, and no one fact-checks them or questions them when they are wrong. In particular, when it comes to scientific publishing/presentation, it has happened multiple times that people claim this is the first time that you are seeing this and we are the first one doing that etc., and I am sitting in the audience with my mouth open that they ignore my work in my face! This is not a one-time event, and absolutely not only about me.

This has become a trend, especially for those working at famous US institutes who feel like since they are part of this prestigious group that is known in the world, they can ignore previous works in the literature and claim to be doing everything for the first time/in the best way etc. I have personally contacted the speakers multiple times and asked if they have seen my work or that of other European groups on the topic, and their answer is ""yes, sorry, we didn’t mean to ignore those, of course we're familiar with your work and that of other groups!"" But then I am like; but you conveyed a totally different, false message to the community.

Similar stories when I showed them there are issues with some of their work that is popular in the field; their response was like; ""hmm, strange, we didn’t think that would be the case"". And that's it; no effort in improving their future connected works because that would take their time and no matter what they do, the community buys it. One of the typical answers I have heard multiple times from these groups when you ask whether they have looked into a matter is: ""no, we haven’t investigated that but we are sure that’s not the case."" ! This is a scientifically problematic sentence; how can you be sure of something you haven’t even looked into?! This is the result of our academic environment that allows such false self esteems to grow and on the contrary, pushes the rest of the community out.

This has to stop! Not only about this particular group/institute, but in general, as scientists, we need to be critical of what we hear, and have to question those who claim things without being able to prove their claims. People should be kept accountable if they lie, regardless of how famous or popular they are in the field. I am a junior scientist and this has been extremely discouraging for me and many others who don’t have those powerful names/groups behind them. The more I see these trends, the more I see myself closer to leaving academia despite my love for science and Astronomy. No matter how hard we try, we will never be heard since what everybody cares about is the names that are supporting a particular person and how great they are able to exaggerate, not the actual science produced."

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Leaving or left academia; Classism;

Unfair And Wrong In Every Sense

I have been witnessing a story that might not be that uncommon but usually doesn’t come out. One of the PhD students in our institute who was working on a topic for years (from their master’s thesis up into their last year of the PhD), suddenly appeared interested in a totally different topic (still astronomy, but something totally different in any aspect you can think of). It seems alright so far; people can have different interests over time. But then, this student appeared to be particularly close to one of the famous scientists at our institute who also happens to be a close friend/collaborator of the director of the institute. Both of these two famous, important people in the field, work on this new topic that this student is suddenly very interested in. Within a month or so, two papers were published on the new topic; one the student is the first author and the other two scientists are co-authors, and in another one the student is the second author.

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Leaving or left academia; Scientific misconduct;

Was It Worth It?

"My birthplace was beautiful. I miss my family, the sea, and the lifestyle. But not a lot of opportunities for physics and especially astronomy existed there. No funding, no room for new ideas. Back then I still wanted to learn, teach, change and contribute to this world. Have an impact. And thus I left this place hoping I could find lands that are more fruitful. It has been 10 years now that I have been far away from there and I look back and I ask: Was it worth it?

I arrived at the first stop of my journey in the early 2010’s. It was so far. A top 50 university! It looked nice, organized and different. I was called a strange name in the streets sometimes because I was different from the locals, but it didn’t bother me that much and the university did not allow this behavior within its limits. I studied hard, I wrote my papers, I presented my work at conferences and was hoping that I can be part of this society and contribute to it.

However, I soon received my first rejection for a paper that was part of my PhD and I could not understand. Maybe I did something wrong? But what I was seeing in the report was not making any sense. They were saying I was not competitive enough!? They were saying that I have to understand the thing I am discussing if I want to write a paper about it!? They were saying that my work is not up to the standards of other people who were the top two people in the field. I was suggesting something new but my paper showed that some of the "top people in my field" could be wrong and this can’t be right according to the reviewers. Two reviewers and two editors decided I was wrong that day, despite my efforts and logical arguments. I was very disappointed. My research and PhD were delayed. I decided to work harder and learn more. But I am sure, even if I was wrong about the research part, this report could have been more polite and more constructive. I am strong, I can handle some (impolite) disapproval. I was sure about one thing though. Some people, with power, when anonymous can turn into bullies. Later in my research years, I looked through this report and showed it to others. And they were shocked by the treatment I received and what was written in this report which soon would be proven to be 100% wrong from the recent findings of the community. I deserved better and I received unfair treatment. I know it now but I did not know it then! I thought that what the reviewers were doing was normal!! Could no one protect me from this?

Time passed and I made it in time. I had the doctorate in my hands - from a top 50 university! People would take me seriously now. I started applying for job openings at universities in the same country, wishing to give something back to the society that gave me that degree, since it was a state scholarship that supported my research. The only problem was they did not want to keep me. What a waste of resources!! What was required from me was to have two first author publications, be awarded a degree and just go my way. This would increase the "rankings" of the university. I look back and I try to see what went wrong. I was not included in any major group/collaboration of the department even though it had a lot of these groups/collaborations. My supervisor included many other PhD students in these teams! Maybe I was not "competitive" enough in their eyes. My scholarship was not part of my ‘supervisor’s’ funding so it did not matter if I succeeded or not? Why did they exclude me so easily?

It was time for the second stop of my career. I learned the local language to an adequate level. The place reminded me of my country in a way (despite the fact that it was so far from my birthplace). They were not calling me strange names in the streets as this time I looked similar to the locals. It was a good university in my eyes. In what they called rankings it was like 150–200. Not bad at all. How are these rankings decided? And there I learned more and slowly realized something. My research during my PhD was actually correct! I worked hard and it was all there in a new paper. A lot of these "top people in my field" (let’s call them elite in this letter) were actually wrong and I proved it!. The field had progressed a lot and there were actually lots of people who were agreeing with my findings. I got accepted TO THE SAME JOURNAL THAT BACK THEN REJECTED ME!!! Now everyone would see my contribution. I can have a job in astronomy! Always doing research. Be a professor and teach students after the next postdoc or fellowship. My dream, my purpose, my contribution to this world!

It was time for a job search once again. My independent funding would end soon. My funding was a very good state fellowship which paid very well but only lasted three years. Other postdocs were getting offers with much less money for two or even one year. This is too brief and flies by fast. I had a partner that I loved and I had to try hard to go to a nice place. The search though was not going well. My circle was surprised. How can it be?? My CV was "competitive" this time. State scholarship back then, state fellowship here and I was even included in some collaborative efforts. It seems that for some reason, in order for employers to hire us, they check how many papers we have, how many citations we have and who is writing our recommendation letters. And I had a good number of those, but not the "best". Besides that my research was right, novel and interesting it did not matter for almost anyone other than 10–20 people. There were always one or two people each time that had the best metrics for recommendation letters from really influential people. How am I supposed to compete with this? Collaborations of 30 people (or even more sometimes) working together below a "god of the Elite". This was the secret all along. There is an unspoken contest for which people, groups and universities will have the better "numbers/metrics". The one with the "best" gets the funding and the postdoc/professor positions! Why did nobody tell me about this war? I applied to 90 jobs. Five times I was shortlisted in second place after being interviewed 15 times and did not get a single job offer. Why do we have so few job openings? Why are these only for 1–3 years? Why do we have to compete in a game that is set from this war between giants …? Scientists are supposed to be treated better in society. We bring change, technology, knowledge … Why do we get such bad working conditions!? Why do we have to reset our lives every 2 years?

My contribution was just ignored in the end … The community kept making the same mistakes over and over … Just because someone from the Elite wrote something 20, 10 or 5 years ago and it was acknowledged as the truth … No change at all … No progress.

I stayed without a job for some months, no visa, returned to my country, beaten. I broke up with my partner and was trying to find any job there, my whole life was in chaos. One word came to mind, pointless. Other friends understood it earlier. They left academia. They tried to become data scientists. From analysing the cosmos and galaxies they decided to use their abilities to help companies make more money. How can I blame my friends? I saw 80% of them leaving academia in a matter of 2–3 years after their PhDs. They had dreams like mine. They were very smart. They were hard workers. They loved astronomy like me! They all had doctorates from top 200 universities. They were not lucky enough though to work with the "right" people at the "right" time and be part of an army during the "war". A friend of mine told me "I want to have a family. It does not make sense to keep trying for this." This friend is much happier now working in industry. I am happy for that friend and wish them the best.

By the end of that year, I was disappointed in myself mostly. Why did I not know the situation that I got myself into years ago? Why did nobody tell me? I felt something new … This time it was not love for my field. Not desire to contribute to any society. Not desire to be a professor and teach the young generation. THIS TIME IT WAS PURE ANGER TOWARDS THIS SYSTEM THAT JUST THREW ME OUT LIKE GARBAGE. I visited some doctors because I was not feeling well. I did not mind anymore even for my own well being. They said it is good I went for help since I was suffering from extended depression for more than 1.5 years. I was close to hurting myself for WHAT??? I understood something was wrong and I am grateful my family helped me. What if I was alone in another country at that moment though? Would anyone have cared?

And then it happened!! Fellow for the second time! A fancy position with a very good salary. It was application number 102 this time. I was going somewhere unexpected. I received 3 other offers that I declined. I was intrigued by this new place. Most people underestimate this country a lot … thinking it is backwards but I was surprised and I had nothing to lose … I did not know until I saw (lived) it. This place was actually much more advanced than any other place I have been so far. The university was at that moment rising … trying to be as "competitive" as it can be. It was fighting for some reason the "war" that had started the last years between the giants of the ranking system. And I said to myself I will not let them down. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF DOWN. I worked hard … and I was glad to contribute. Why do these numbers matter so much for you people? Is it money because you can advertise the universities better to potential students who will pay more fees? More support from the government? Is it status? Does anyone care about our wellbeing anymore? Why was the best position (funding, time of the project, management, HR, inclusiveness, support) given to me by a country that is considered backwards? What does that mean for the top universities of the other countries? Are they the ones that are backwards? Should we forget this unfair, outdated, nepotistic and inhumane ranking system?

I was becoming more "competitive" with time. Time passed and I have been here for two years and I feel much better. It is that I can contribute and I feel needed. It is that people are willing to work with me and they include me. I am working with people from the second stop of my travels because they still want to work with me too! And it is a good collaboration fruitful for both sides. My previous research is doing just fine and this time is proven beyond correct in another novel paper to be accepted once again. I receive respect in my new workplace, a better grant due to my good performance and even support from people that are considered elite. I don't think it is pointless anymore. But I am not as naive as back then. I know that most likely I will not make it to professor or get a permanent position because of my unlucky start. Also the positions are just so few. However, I have hundreds of ideas and some more passionate talks to give. I feel I have some strength left here.

Now I am a reviewer to almost any major journal. And I was surprised … I was not dead inside. Why were these people so nasty to me back then? I was a "good" and fair reviewer from my point of view. I try to be as polite and humane because I know that I am reviewing the work of a fellow human being. Sometimes I even give compliments to the authors without papers to motivate them if I really like their work (and this has happened lots of times already because there are lots of young people who see the mistakes of the past generation, hoping they will live in a better environment). I repeat. I know I most likely will not get a permanent position in astronomy or become a professor. I don't have the "correct" initial conditions (class, race, background), connections (core member of a big collaboration, recommendation letters from the Elite) or metrics (which will never reach the ones of people that work smoothly from their bachelor degree with the right or "right" supervision).

Was it worth it? Would I make the same choice again if I knew all of this?

I feel I have to ask for forgiveness from my family which begs me to stop pursuing an astronomy career and be "normal" since they honestly care about my wellbeing. I am not "happy" in the conventional way but if I stopped I would not be "happy" either. I hope for everyone else to be really happy anyway it fits them the best.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Racism and racial slurs; Mental illness; Self harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide;

Belittling

I am a junior postdoc researcher and last year one of my published works which had cool, new results got special attention and was published as a press release in one of the scientific online magazines. I have been working on this for my entire PhD and getting these nice results now in my first postdoc was of course very pleasing to me. So, excited to find out that my work is being published as a press release, I came and announced it in our group meeting (consisting of 5 people). My boss’s comment was: "Haha, pretty pictures do the job". So from his perspective, it's not that I have great results that are being praised but the beautiful picture is what attracts attention! I have heard him saying the same thing another time on someone else’s work too … It's so discouraging … Because his works haven’t gotten that attention, he's belittling those who do …

Lack of support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Bullying, gaslighting, stalking, abuse;

Power Abuse In Science

I have been dealing with a conflict at my work recently. I am a postdoc fellowship holder; meaning that I pursue my own research topic. Obviously, I joined a group at an institute who offered this fellowship and started working there, but carried out my own research. I presented some of my new results during our group meeting and discussed it a bit with the group members. I have literally done everything related to this project myself; from defining it, to analysis and final results. Now after that meeting, the group leader keeps talking about that as "our" work and wanted to use my results (according to him: "our" results) in a proposal to apply for his own personal funding. I disagreed and argued that this has been 100% my work and I don’t want to give it to him, but he argued that as group members we have to share everything, and if I am not willing to do that it is because I am not a team worker!

Scientific misconduct; Lack of support;

Scientific Racism

I am a final year international PhD student in a good institute in Europe. Our city has quite a few astronomy institutes and they are all relatively international. I just defended my PhD but have a few more months remaining in my contract. Although of no importance internationally, here they grade the PhD defences/thesis and throughout the country, these grades matter for future hiring etc. Even though they are proud of having many international students, local students are treated differently from the rest. The locals get unfair support that puts us all out of the game in the future. Apart from a lot more attention and praise the locals get for their works, they grade the final thesis/exam in an absolutely unfair manner by giving the locals way better grades than the international ones. This is not a matter of one or two cases; more than 90% of the top grades go to the local students (the population ratio is 40-60 for internationals), and this does not justify their values. If you look at the postdoc

Gatekeeping and exclusion; Racism and racial slurs;

Moral Harassment

It is difficult for me to write this letter because it takes me back to a very painful time. Six years ago, I lived through a very painful experience of moral depression and exclusion. The management of my university wanted to propose me for a very high national distinction and informed the director of my laboratory, asking him to compile an application file for me. I didn't know this at the time because the people involved in this award don't have to do the application themselves and may not be aware that they have been nominated for this award. I found out a few months later that my director had made no application for me and had not even bothered to respond to the university. When I found this out, I was devastated.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Sexism and misogyny; Mental illness;

AcADHDemia

I have ADHD. It's impacted me all my life, but I've only had a name for it recently. I was diagnosed 5 years ago, and suddenly everything made so much more sense. I didn’t know that’s what I was going to find when I first started seeing a therapist, just that I was struggling. Working with a therapist has helped, before and after I was diagnosed. Just knowing that I have ADHD has been helpful too, because I have a better understanding of how my brain works. I am learning how to work with it, not against it. I also know now to look for advice specific to ADHD brains and not neurotypical brains. But it hasn't made all my problems disappear and I still struggle.

Maybe you’re thinking that ADHD is something that hyperactive boys have and grow out of. Not so. All genders can have ADHD. It often manifests as inattention as opposed to hyperactivity, in which cases it is diagnosed far less often. And ADHD will follow you into adulthood; you might find ways to manage it but it doesn’t go away. I bet you know quite a few folks who have ADHD and hide it, some of them may have been diagnosed as kids and others as teens or adults. I bet you know others who have it and don’t know it, but struggle just the same. ADHD often comes with comorbid conditions too — mine comes with a side helping of Anxiety — that can also be very impactful, sometimes more than the ADHD itself.

I've encountered situations in the workplace that would be stressful to anyone — high workloads, bullying, job uncertainty — and been stressed by them. But the thing that impacts me personally most of all, and most consistently, is trying to navigate academia with ADHD. I find everything hard because the system wasn't created for brains like mine. My mental health is most impacted by trying to pass as neurotypical in an environment that isn't set up for, or welcoming of, neurodiverse folks. Academia values our brains above all else (how else do you explain “well yes, he did sexually assault some of his grad students but he does great science!”) and mine doesn't work like a lot of other people’s. I don’t feel comfortable disclosing my ADHD to anyone for fear it might impact my employment or how people view me and my work, even if it’s not supposed to.

I struggle day to day. And when I do encounter a stressful situation my ADHD doubles down and makes the regular things even harder, let alone the stressful stuff. The pandemic has been one long stressful situation and I’ve not been able to manage my ADHD as well as usual. I’ve also not felt able to tell anyone why I’ve been struggling so much, instead I put a brave face on it and hope no one notices or just passes it off as “the pandemic”. Which isn’t to say that the pandemic has not been extremely impactful and detrimental to everyone’s mental health. But we all started from a different place, and some of us weren’t doing so well before.

I’ve focused on ADHD here because it’s what I’m most familiar with, but neurodiversity exists in many forms and can be impactful in many different ways. Some folks may see parts of themselves in this letter, and some may not. Know this is one experience of many.

Finally, I have some things to say:

1. If you’ve been wondering if you should maybe see a therapist but have been talking yourself out of it because “it’s not too bad” or you don’t want to be a person who sees a therapist…. See a therapist. You may not be diagnosed with ADHD like I was! But it’s helpful to talk. I thought about it for a long time before I finally made an appointment and I wish I’d gone sooner. Maybe you’ll go weekly, maybe monthly, maybe just a couple of times, do what you need. Try a few different people and see who you click best with, and if you don’t click with someone immediately, don’t give up.

2. Not all differences are visible. You don’t always see neurodiversity, but we’re here.

3. If you have ADHD, you’re not alone. You do belong here, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

Lack of Support; Burnout and stress; Sexual Harassment, sexual violence; Mental illness;

Punished For Being Honest

As I studied and got my PhD in my home country, I felt that I needed, both personally and professionally, to find a first postdoctoral position abroad, preferably in a distant and culturally different country. Then I came across a call for postdoctoral fellowships in a large academic institution in one such country. The candidates were required to be endorsed by a tenured researcher in that institution, but neither my PhD supervisor nor I knew any collaborator there. Therefore I simply looked for someone that matched my research interests among the researcher profiles in the institution website. This is how I found Dr. [XXXX], who immediately agreed to endorse my fellowship application, and we agreed on a common research plan to work together. The application was successful and I could start my new position shortly after my PhD defense.

At the beginning, Dr. [XXXX] was extremely friendly, supportive with me, and even charming. He appeared to be especially interested in me joining an international collaboration where my expertise would be particularly appreciated, according to him. However, when I started to know more about that collaboration, I began to suspect that Dr. [XXXX] was not being honest with me. What he actually expected from me is to help them get access to the unpublished results of a decade-long project that was carried out by my PhD supervisor and his collaborators. I did not really participate in that project but my PhD supervisor let me use part of the unpublished results to help with the analysis of the data from my thesis.

Little by little, Dr. [XXXX] became less friendly and began to put pressure on me, until he openly asked me to trick my PhD supervisor into sending me his unpublished results. Specifically, Dr. [XXXX] suggested to me that I needed his results just to make further tests only for me. Of course I refused to do that.

After that, he started to demand a lot of work that did not make sense. I also noticed that he was trying to isolate me from the collaborations where I would have really been able to contribute.

The worst situation was about a large meeting on my research topic that was being organized in our research centre. Dr. [XXXX] knew about this meeting long before it was publicly announced (and this knowledge was later admitted to me by other colleagues, including the Chair of the LOC). Nevertheless, he asked me to register for a different conference, whose topic was less compatible with my research interests, on the same dates but in another country. He urged me to pay the conference fees and buy the plane tickets from my own pocket as soon as possible, because he allegedly needed to know exactly how much money I needed to get reimbursed from his project. The day after everything was paid, he suddenly told me that he was just informed of the existence of the meeting in our research centre. To prove that he was lying, I only had to question other colleagues that were involved.

When I became fully aware that Dr. [XXXX] was trying to destroy my academic career, I suffered a panic attack. The following three days I was unable to leave my home, and had suicidal thoughts. I developed an anxiety disorder and I needed long-term psychological treatment. As a consequence, my academic career was at an impasse, it took me 3 years to publish again as a first author. Now I am psychologically recovered, but not academically recovered yet.

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Burnout and stress; Mental illness; Self harm, suicidal thoughts and suicide; Scientific misconduct;

PhD Advisor

During my last year of the PhD, I went through a very rough time, when I felt left alone and quietly disappointed. It was about a year and a half before my PhD came to an end, that I was trying to apply for postdoc positions. At that point, I was only applying for independent fellowships since I knew I had more time left, so in principle, I would have a chance to apply in the next round too. My supervisor was very busy at the time and even though I sent him the draft of the proposal, he didn’t give me any feedback. I only applied for a couple of fellowships but didn’t get any of them. After I finished my PhD in the winter, I got a few months of "bridge funding" to work on my project while applying for future positions. I had done a good PhD and had ongoing exciting projects that I would’ve loved to continue working on. Meanwhile, my supervisor asked me to send him some of my plots from my work so that he could apply to get funding to hire a postdoc. I obviously did so as he was my supervisor who had been leading me throughout the PhD. Shortly afterwards, I was applying for fellowships with similar proposals to the ones from my last year but with better results and publications that would boost my chances.

One day my supervisor sent me their proposal for comments since it had my plots in it, and that's when I realised it's extremely similar to my proposals; not only was it using my plots, but also the goals and objectives were literally the same as what I was proposing to do. The difference was that of course my supervisor can write a much better proposal than I can. Anyway, he got the funding and announced that he wanted to hire someone to work on exactly what I had been proposing to work on. I was feeling very confused and shocked, wondering what to do; obviously, I wouldn’t have been able to compete with my own PhD advisor. So, I thought the best way forward would be to talk to my PhD advisor. I told them that what they had proposed is literally what I had been proposing and had already sent them last year, and now they are proposing to hire someone to do exactly what I do. They said (and I clearly remember their exact sentence to this date): "Yes, I realise that". They continued: “if you happen to get a fellowship to work on the same topic, then we probably can find a way to collaborate on this.” I was left in shock and confusion (I can’t even explain my feelings in words), I felt like I was worthless and that my supervisor wanted me to quit and didn't think I would even get a position. He also gave me a very hard time during my PhD defence and made me feel miserable; I had nightmares and sleeping issues weeks after that... Eventually, I did get a prestigious fellowship and started working on my projects. But then my supervisor also hired someone for the same project and asked me to share all the private data and codes that I had, but I stood strong and told them I can’t do this since it's not a broad project that can be shared between two postdocs. I told them that I could only do so if we come up with two clear paths for each of us to work and collaborate on, otherwise it does not make any sense. This obviously never happened and we have been in conflict ever since and I already emailed my previous advisor a couple of times for various matters and didn’t get an appropriate response back... I know to this point that I will not have their support in my future and yeah, not sure what to do when it comes to the next application round and recommendation letters...

Lack of Support; Gatekeeping and exclusion; Career Insecurity;

The EAS Special Session on Welfare and Mental Health in Astronomy Research